Vespers
by Melete
Summary: Ami is now attending college in the US. The only sanctuary she can find is in the one familiar face from Japan. reuploaded chapters to fix formatting and minor grammatical errors.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I have never owned Sailor Moon or any other characters associated with her. Naoko Takeuchi invented the lovely story of the senshi. I'm just abusing her beautiful characters with my own whims. 

How many Flowers fail in Wood -  
Or perish from the Hill -  
Without the privilege to know  
That they are Beautiful -  
How many cast a nameless Pod  
Upon the nearest Breeze -  
Unconscious of the Scarlet Freight -  
It bear to other eyes -

Emily Dickinson

Prologue

The paling willows leaned over the tea-coloured river. The wind shivered through the curtain of leaves sending a shower of gold over the fading grass. The moment was perfect; the darkening sky, the long strong lines of sun and shadow, the contrast of the dark trunks against the lighter leaves. He quickly snapped off a few shots before turning away. His lens roved across the landscape searching for more color contrasts and intriguing lines. Slowly the camera lowered and he stood up speechless. The color was an unmistakable shade of blue -- shimmering almost iridescent. The bright highlights in her hair rivaling a bird-of-paradise's wing. It was the the deep blue of twilight.

Mizuno Ami leaned over her book absorbed in the minute details of cell structure. Absently she pushed a few long strands of her midnight hair behind her ear and continued her study of mitochondria with a sigh. A thin yellow leaf fluttered onto the page. Ami gently picked it up-- the slender shape tapering like a candle flame along her palm. The division of cell walls could almost be seen without a microscope as a gentle intricate maze or pattern.  
She turned around, her eyes searching for the stand of willows along the bank. Her gaze stopped, eyes widening --leaf forgotten and flying out of her hand. Ami stood up walking slowly towards him before softly asking,  
"Mamoru?"


	2. My body is the Same Body

Chapter One 

Tsuki ya aranu  
Haru ya mukashi no  
Haru naranu  
Wa ga mi hitotsu wa  
Moto no mi ni shite

Is not that the moon?  
And is not the spring the same Spring of the old days?  
My body is the same body --  
Yet everything seems different. --Ariwara no Narihira (823-880)

I raise the curtains and go out  
To watch the moon.  
Leaning on the Balcony, I breathe the evening  
Wind from the west, heavy with the  
Odors of decaying Autumn. The rose jade of the river  
Blends with the green jade of the void.  
Hidden in the grass a cricket chirps.  
Hidden in the sky storks cry out.  
I turn over and over in  
My heart the memories of  
Other days. Tonight as always  
There is no one to share my thoughts. --Chu Shu Chen

Ami shut the textbook suddenly with a great sigh. She couldn't possibly read another word. The restlessness was setting in again. This feeling of uneasiness, of dissatisfaction had been slowly infecting Ami for the past few years. Ever since... Ami stopped her thought before it began. _No I'm not going to blame Sailor Pluto for these emotions or anyone else for that matter._ But the fact remained that ever since Ami had returned from Crystal Tokyo, the future, she began to get these itchy feelings. At first, she thought it was stress over beginning high school, but when the restlessness continued, even worsened after high school Ami knew where it began. She just did not want to admit to herself that anything was different. But it was.

Ami could feel herself paying less attention to the textbooks. The pages upon pages of fact, diagrams and hypotheses seemed a part of the problem. The coldness of equations, the bareness of fact and the intricacies of theory used to soothe her, even comfort her. They had echoed her own loneliness and provided a solidity that her family, her father and her life had not before Usagi came along. Even after she became Sailor Mercury, they remained friends to her providing her the cool logic and wisdom when her strength lacked in battle. And yet, she saw the future, the sadness in her own eyes increased over time and how they, the textbooks and scientific knowledge had failed her ultimately. She still had on the same stupid fuku, the same haircut, the same everything. Nothing had changed. She hadn't evolved for a millenia. All the facts and figures in the world could not stop fate or destiny in this life or in any other.

Ami had grown apart from Usagi. She knew that it wasn't Usagi's fault that somehow she remained blessed out of all the senshi-- that fate had chosen her for eternal love, for a loving family in each and every lifetime. As Sailor Mercury, she would continue admiring Usagi, aiding her when she needed help. She knew beyond any doubt that she would continue to use her powers, her knowledge to better the world, to help it, to do her duty as a senshi. Yet after all the sacrifices -- Ami's own life, time and priorities-- at the end of the day her hands and heart remained empty.

So she had grown her hair out: she was tired of looking like a career woman. She changed her clothes to the more flattering and flirtatious designs of Setsuna. Ami began taking classes on drawing and watercolor. She spent more time with other senshi; meditating with Rei, going to plays with Minako, even cooking with Makoto. On cold clear nights in late autumn and early spring, she would swim in the ocean. All of these things had eased up some of her emptiness, but she still felt that thorn under her heart, a little prick and sting of loneliness. For a few moments, Ami sat her head bowed, limbs weighed down with self-pity with the inescapable chains of time and fate. _No, dammit, I'm not gonna do this! Harvard Medical is just going to have to wait one afternoon._ She threw her textbooks in the dustiest corner of her room.  
Quickly shoving her bathing suit and towel into a bag, she scurried away from that dorm room trying to leave the dark feelings behind.

Mamoru leaned back in the bench. Closing his eyes, he reveled in the warmth of the Indian summer. Arms folded behind his head, he lost himself in the feel of the wind in his hair, ruffling his open collar.

"Hey Chiba!"

Mamoru opened one eye and looked up. A lopsided grin plastered his face as he looked up at his roommate, Paul. He slid over as Paul ungracefully plopped himself down on the wooden bench.  
"Yeah?"

"Just wonderin' what your doin' on this lovely afternoon," He swept an arm into Mamoru's face indicating the whole of the campus in front of them.

"Well I was enjoying myself before you came along," he quipped pushing the arm away from his nose.

"Yeah that's what had me confused. Mamoru Chiba, devoted Harvard Medical student actually relaxing. Honestly, Chiba, you've got me worried."

Mamoru chuckled. "Is it that unusual to see me without a book in hand?"

"To tell you the truth..."

Mamoru knew Paul was waiting for some explanation or some retort.  
But he didn't have either and didn't care to bandy words today. To be honest,  
he did feel different, more relaxed, more at home then he had in weeks,  
even months.

"See there it is again," Paul pointed at his face.

"What?"

"You're smiling...and honestly I'm kinda scared."

"Is this really a problem for you?"

Paul chuckled, "I was just gonna tell you whatever it is. Don't change it." He paused for a moment as something, rather someone, caught his eye, "Anyway, I have more important matters to attend to then just babysitting you. See ya later."

Mamoru looked after him and smiled as he watched Paul trying and failing to smooth talk some new Med student. _Probably hitting her with the line about becoming study partners in Anatomy._ He shook his head slowly, laughing silently to himself. Paul had been right though, he did feel changed. Seeing Ami had somehow put him at ease as if she brought comfort and familiarity with her from Tokyo.

He slowly closed his eyes again and remembered the surreal afternoon from a week ago. He had purposefully set out that day to experiment with his color photography. Needing an afternoon to wind down after the first few weeks of class, he set out towards the waterfront. All time seemed to slow the closer he walked to the park as if the afternoon was wrapped in the most delicate sepia lens. The light had been a dark gold, long-lined as only mid-October could provide. He had been focused on the graceful movements of the willows. Then to turn and see Ami, the afternoon gilded around her... Mamoru would have recognized that shade of blue anywhere and the same gentle, comforting smile he had seen so many times in and out of battle. Yet there were subtle differences surrounding her --longer hair, a free-flowing skirt rather than the usual school uniform or prim, sensible outfit.

(a week ago)

She walked slowly towards him moving as if the air were heavier around her. Smiling as quietly and gently as ever, she finally stopped a few feet in front of him. "I can't believe it's you." Was all she said.

"Usako never even mentioned you coming to the U.S. or I would have met you at the airport, showed you around, something."

Ami gently shook her head. "No, while that would have been nice, I wanted to get established on my own. I guess to see how well I manage my own independence away from my family and the senshi."

Mamoru opened his mouth to lecture her on friendship and how she should have called but quickly shut it again. He was just happy to see her, or anyone for that matter from Tokyo. He swiftly hugged her tightly then pushed her at arm's length to make sure she was real. She looked down and blushed intensely, overwhelmed by his impulsive behavior.

"Mamoru, I..."

Before she could finish, Mamoru interrupted, "How about dinner, I know a great restaurant right around the corner where we could talk and catch up."

Ami shook her head, "Honestly, I wish I could. I was just about to go meet with my Biochemistry professor."

"I understand, here let me give you my phone number and we'll meet some other time."

Ami nodded quietly pulling out a pen.

Mamoru stirred himself out of his recollections as the wind became cooler. Studying his watch for a moment, he grabbed his bag to go back to his apartment. Silently wondering if Ami would ever call, he looked up to see Ami walking rapidly past him.

"Ami!"

Ami turned and smiled at Mamoru, a bit startled to see him. "Mamoru, I didn't expect to see you so soon."

_No she wasn't going to call anytime soon,_ he thought ruefully. "I was hoping you were going to call." Quickly taking in the damp tendrils clinging to her neck and the unmistakable smell of chlorine, he added, "I see you've found the pool."

Ami laughed gently, "Yes, you know me too well." She looked away studying the sunset as if it was some new form of cell division. A little frown creased her forehead as she remembered just a few weeks ago standing at the temple watching a similar sunset. The stillness was the same. And just for a moment --a little space of breath everything was frozen and quiet. And then it all broke through again birdsong, traffic, half-heard conversations. She turned her eyes away and looked up at Mamoru. Dazzled for a moment by the light, her eyes could barely discern his expression. He studied her intensely barely aware that he was, only aware of watching the subtle changes on her face...almost falling into her thoughts. Their eyes met for a moment, the fading light brightening his eyes behind his hair, her own eyes darker in the shadows. The shiny black wing of a crow flying overhead caught his eye and he fell out of her eye-light.

Mamoru kept his eye on the crow, watching it slowly preen its feathers as he addressed Ami, "So how about dinner, tonight?"

Ami opened her mouth to protest and quickly shut it. Honestly, did she have any good reason not to go besides her dripping mass of heavy, wet hair? _Why not?_ "Yes, but perhaps I should go back to my dorm room and dry my hair." She fiddled with one damp tangle of hair and smiled up at him good-naturedly.

"Actually my apartment is on the way. You can use my hair dryer."

Ami tried to hide her smile. I always suspected he was high-maintenance.

Mamoru, however, caught the impish grin before she had the chance to hide it. In mock exasperation, he crossed his arms across his chest.  
"What?"

"Well, it's nothing...I just.." Ami twisted her mouth and scrunched up her nose trying to hide her amusement, ─It's nothing."

"Honestly?"

"Yes, honestly," she answered with as much cool seriousness as she could muster. However, once she was handed the infamous hairdryer, she couldn't stop laughing. It had to be one of the most expensive hair dryers she had ever seen. Not even Minako's glossy, high- powered hairdryer ("Guaranteed to dry your hair in five minutes flat," Minako had chirped) could compare to the massive array of switches and extra parts designed for volume, sleekness, in settings like cool, humid, arid. Ami peered down the end of it like some microscope, half-expecting to see some sort of weather machine in the engine. Two minutes later though, her hair was dry, gracefully falling past her shoulders and softer than she remembered it ever being. A touch of gloss on her lips, a quick adjustment of her skirt and she was ready to go.

"So how do you like the hairdryer?" Mamoru called out from the front room.

"It's incredible. I half expected it to have some nuclear reactor inside. Where did you buy it?" Ami couldn't hide her incredulity.

Mamoru met her at the door, "To be honest, I don't know. I've never used it before. Usako bought it for some sort of anniversary present. I think it was the third month since I had bought her a banana split for the first time" He grinned at her, "But my roommate, Paul, he swears by it."

Ami shook her head, laughing and took Mamoru's offered arm. Finally lifting smiling eyes to his face, she asked, "What restaurant are we going to?"

"Maria's."

"Do they serve sandwiches?"

Mamoru glanced down at Ami inquiringly, "No, why?"

"I'm just a little bit tired of sandwiches."

Ami finally gave up on her fork. Every time she tried to cut the slice of baklava, the pastry slipped and crumbled. Eying the sticky dessert like a tactician, she carefully picked it up and began nibbling a little off the end. She proceeded to methodically eat the rest of the dessert, relishing each bite. I must tell Mako-chan about this dessert. After finishing the last crumb, she delicately licked the remaining honey from her fingertips unconciously. Mamoru watched fascinated; all of the senshi are so different he mused. Usako would have eaten the Mediterranean dinner quickly, no, voraciously. It seemed to mirror the headlong passion she threw into everything she did. Rei always ate as if it were a duty, but always with poise. Minako was a great deal like Usako, perhaps a bit more conscientious but almost as enthusiastic. Makoto always seemed to be studying the meal, dissecting the flavors as she took in each mouth full. In the past, he noticed Ami eating with a book in one hand, a sandwich in the other, for convenience and nutrition, never for the experience. But watching her eat the baklava in slow, intense bites, he was amazed to watch her carefully and gracefully savor each bite. She's changed. As she related her story about leaving Tokyo, laughing over the senshi fussing over her, he found himself distracted by the way her small, full mouth licked the honey from each fingertip. "...and then Makoto brought out this enormous fern and I knew there was no way I could get it through customs," Ami laughed remembering the tearful speech Makoto gave about how taking care of plants can be therapeutic, all the while blowing her nose as she related the proper watering technique.

Mamoru fell back into the conversation, "So what did Usako give you?"

Ami looked at her upturned hands with a slight smile, "Usagi." She looked up met his dark blue eyes with her own. "They all gave me something beautiful, something special. Mina gave me a book of Shakespeare's Romances."Ami remembered the tearful inscription about finding love and how friends remain -- Minako at her most eloquent. She could still trace the little salty droplets on the page. "Mako-chan gave me that fern, but she also gave me a pair of ice skates"Makoto had hugged her tightly squeezing out her air fiercely whispering, "You're as graceful on the ice as you are in the water. Don't forget to keep your balance." "Rei-chan brought me a book of Kanji poetry." Smiling through tears, Rei had handed her the carefully wrapped book of hand- stitched paper, Rei's graceful Kanji writing was folded into a thin sheet of rice paper -- the ink had dried slowly looking more like tear stains than the usual bold brush strokes of the fiery priestess. The words finally caused Ami to cry. _Ice and fire, we are opposites it seems. Who would know that two such different women can be sisters of the same soul. _Then finally Usagi came running up exhausted, happy, tearful, all of those emotions that quickly wore Ami out.

"Usagi gave me a picture." The picture was perfect --a large, bright picture of all the senshi together. Ami startled into a laugh wore a big smile squished between the vibrant Usagi and the elegant Rei. Makoto was attempting to hug all of the girls at once, and Minako flashed her dazzling smile also caught in a laughing fit. Usagi had broken down into tears hugging her oldest friend to her in a stifling embrace, rubbing a very wet cheek into Ami's hair. Leaving had been harder than she ever expected.

Ami had been quiet for several moments, her cup of hot tea forgotten as she mused. Mamoru studied her; he had felt similarly lonesome leaving Usako and the other girls. They had become his friends and family. Gently he placed his own hand over her empty palm for reassurance. She looked up startled at the contact. She pulled her hand away too fast, then looked away from his own confused expression. Quickly scanning around for something to talk about her eyes landed on a black-and-white photograph on the wall of a deserted town. Softly clearing her throat, she quietly asked, "When did you begin photography?"

Mamoru knew she was trying to pull the moment apart, and he was grateful for the distraction. "I became interested in it during my short-lived modeling career. Perhaps the only thing fruitful out of that venture besides the paycheck." He grimaced for a moment then looked up to see the amusement shining in her eyes.

"I forgot about that." She tried to hide her smile behind a napkin.

"I wish I could." A smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. "At any rate, if you're really interested I would be happy to show some of the pictures I've taken so far."

Ami's eyes brightened. Yes, she was intrigued. She slightly tilted her head as she considered his proposal. "Tonight?"

"Why not?"

She briefly considered her homework, studying the darkening sky outside with a frown. Perhaps, I should finish my homework tonight.  
Then looking again at Mamoru's somewhat hopeful expression, she couldn't help but smile and nod.


	3. Spring flowers, Autumn moons

Please attach all usual disclaimers here ...

Chapter Two

Spring flowers, Autumn moons,  
Water lilies still carry  
Away my heart like a lost  
Boat. As long as I am flesh  
And bone I will never find  
Rest. There will never come a  
Time when I will be able  
To resist my emotions.

Chu Shu Chen

Ami dipped a toe in the chilly water. Little ripples extended out as she wiggled one toe, breaking apart the images of clouds rushing over the surface of the water. Another maple leaf landed on the water, its scarlet colors attracting her eyes. The leaves were falling faster now, one leaf on top of the other, all breaking up the mirrored sky and tree branches in the water. It was almost like watching the pictures fall from Mamoru's hands, each photograph landing on the other as both their heads bent over each --studying lines, subject, contrasts.

"You have a good eye, Mamoru. These photographs are incredible." She stumbled for something clever to say, but she was honestly surprised at just how good the photographs were.

Mamoru smiled distractedly studying one of his photographs with a critical eye, "Some people say I have two."

"Two, what," she asked absently glancing over at Mamoru who was sitting Indian-style with a pile of photographs in his lap.

"Eyes."

Ami rolled her eyes but couldn't hide her smile. She looked over at him again to see him looking steadily at her. _Yes, Mamoru-san, you do have two very good eyes._ She glimpsed his startling, dark blue eyes behind his heavy bangs. She shuffled through the pictures trying to put them together, the glossy paper making them hard to handle. A little crease formed between her brows. _This shouldn't be this difficult._

The change was unexpected. She knew there would be the usual difficulty in learning her way around campus and town; getting used to class schedules and adjusting to a new culture. She had been prepared for those changes. Her head felt dizzy, and it wasn't from the water chilling her toes. Ami picked up her book again, keeping each foot firmly planted in the cold water. She glanced over the list of Latin roots to memorize, shut the book and her eyes and began murmuring definitions and roots to herself. It felt so good to get into the rhythm of saying each syllable in a soft, steady pattern like rain. Casting some spell over the afternoon, the repetition of the words calmed her like a meditation. Beneath the shadows and light of the late October afternoon, she could almost smell the November rain that would come.

She had not told the other senshi, perhaps in each of their powers they experienced something similar. Ami could feel, sense the water, the condensation, the ice crystals formed and reformed high in the atmosphere. It was like a pulse under her skin, cold as quicksilver as mercury. Sometimes she wondered if the power of Mercury came not from the henshin pen but rather in the understanding of where she was in that pattern of water. _Knowing where I belong this lends me my magic? Knowledge and a deeper instinct perhaps. And if I were to forget, to lose sight? What then?_ She shook her head,  
trying to shake all of the confusion out of her head. Staring intently at the Latin words, Ami began again.

Mamoru watched her silently: she looked like some sort of tree dipping its roots into the water with her toes dangling, the current running cold over her ankles. A soft breeze ruffled her hair, and her face tilted upwards towards the last little bits of sunlight. Ami's lips silently moving as she mouthed each word. He couldn't help noticing how she seemed to be perched against the seasons waiting for some kiss. Her lips curved slightly, mouth open and her face gently raised. Mamoru shook his head, he had come here for a reason and that was not it. He sat down beside her, leaning back on his elbows, watching a red leaf fall into her deep blue hair. He reached over and plucked it out, lingering just a moment to feel how soft her hair really was. After a moment, Ami finally peaked one eye open in his direction, then opened both to study him. He rewarded her with his most lop-sided grin.

"Well, Mr. Chiba, how may I help you?" She couldn't help the slight hint of amusement that touched her words.

"I was hoping you would ask," Mamoru straightened up.

After waiting a few moments, Ami finally asked in her most prim and proper tone, "Well, aren't you going to tell me."

Mamoru finally looked up from the blade of grass he was studying, "Ohhh yes that, well ahem." He cleared his throat dramatically before continuing, "I am on an errand to kindly request your most gracious presence at a study group meeting at my humble abode this Thursday at seven p.m. Sharp."

Ami giggled softly, "Since you put it so pleasantly, yes I would be honored. But Mamoru, there aren't any finals yet and we just finished midterms. What are we studying for?"

"Honestly, we wanted to begin a regular group before midterms. But I think it will still prove helpful to start a group that can make sure everyone is on course and doing well long before the stress over finals begins."

Ami nodded her head in agreement.

Mamoru glanced over at her book and smiled compassionately,  
"Latin roots?" She nodded again, grimacing. "Hmm something like 'Veni,  
vedi, veci?', 'I came, I saw, I conquered."

Ami wrinkled her nose at his terrible sense of humor mumbling, "Yeah, something like that." There eyes met, his shining with humor and hers lightened by the sunlight. _Perhaps._

After one short moment of silence, Mamoru looked away. "Well Ami, I told Paul I would meet him after class. I shall see you Thursday then." He stood up quickly, glancing at his watch.

"Yes. Oh, Mamoru, is there anything I should bring with me?"

"Let's see," He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "You should have books, pencils, paper and most importantly yourself." He gave her a charming smile then disappeared between the willows.

Ami sighed, studying her empty hands again. _Why do I always feel this... this disquieted whenever he's near? Perhaps it's his telekinetics... _She pushed any further thoughts from her mind again and focused on Latin.


	4. Tangled Up

I don't own the source material for this fanfic. I do write fanfic for fun not profit. All standard disclaimers apply. 

Chapter 3

Chiba Mamoru could feel his strength ebbing away. His head slowly drooping, his eyelids leaden. Eventually he would no longer be able to fight off the inevitable. The others had already succumbed scattering a few hours before. Only he and Ami remained. Summoning up his remaining energy and focus, he turned to her offering the only thing he could.

"Ami, want some more coffee?"

She nodded slowly, drowsily offering up her chipped brown mug. Mamoru shuffled into the kitchen taking a few moments to warm up the last dregs in the pot. He took a quick gulp from his cup, grimacing "God, that's potent." He staggered back into the front room, squinting at the clock on the wall. "Three a.m...no wonder..." He turned to say something to Ami about getting some rest. But she was already asleep.

Mamoru carefully set down the coffee mugs and stepped closer. Her legs were drawn up under her, the Biochemistry book still open on her lap. A circumference of notes and papers circled her chair resembling a bank of snow more than reams of notes in neat small print. He sighed softly considering his possibilities. Studying the soft fringe of dark lashes against the slight purple shadows under her eyes, he slowly shook his head. She looked fragile like something made of porcelain or ice.

He carefully hooked one arm behind her neck and another in the crook of her legs. He certainly had practice moving his dozing Usako enough to do this seamlessly. She stirred a bit only to lean her head against his chest, one small hand clutching the front of his shirt. He tried to ignore all of the protective feelings welling up inside of him. And what would he protect her from..the youma of finals? Sighing noiselessly he gently placed Ami under the covers. Reaching underneath to take off each shoe and sock, he lingered for a moment to brush a stray lock of hair away from her face. His finger stopped, gently touching her cheekbone. She looked so lonely and bittersweet even in her sleep: it seemed as though a thousand tears pulsed beneath her skin. _Heaven's tears perhaps...as the senshi of ice and rain perhaps it is her job to mourn...to cleanse._ Mamoru studied the blue veins crossing her pale eyelids, the sad tilt of her mouth...Without even thinking about it, Mamoru leaned in and kissed her sleeping lips. Her lips moved silently, but she didn't wake. It only took a moment to feel her breath mix with his own, to feel the slight warmth of her curved mouth and to realize what he was doing.

His head shot up quickly. _What are you thinking? You must be tired._ Mamoru stepped away from the bed his hands shaking. _Usako, I'm so sorry._ His mind kept repeating that over and over before it finally let him fall asleep on the couch. Grey dawn flashed over him before he finally closed his eyes..._sorry...sorry_. He softly licked his lips turning away from the window wondering at the sweet, clean taste of rain on his tongue.


	5. I feel I would dissolve

I do not own the intellectual property of Sailor Moon. I only own my one very heavy thick head and all inside it. 

Chapter 4

Love is a torment  
Whenever we hide it.  
Why not lay it bare  
Like the moon that appears  
From behind the moutain ledge?

Man'Yoshu (Anonymous)

Having met you as in a dream,  
I feel I would dissolve, body and soul,  
Like the snow that falls,  
Darkening the heavens.

Anonymous (also from Man'Yoshu)

I_ could sleep for three days straight letting hours fall like snow. _Ami mused, stifling a yawn. As it was she had slept for six hours after her last final. She was exhausted, but she had finally awoken to find the first snow drifting outside her window, filling up the joints and crevices of the branches outside her dormitory. She watched the snowflakes melting against her window frame, each shape tantalizing her eye before quickly being lost in small spaces of white. Ami settled her armchair near the window dragging her sketchpad across her knees. Drawing dark, swift lines across the page, she tried to capture the branches in stark relief against the snow. Her long fingers swept across the page in graceful, carefully measured strokes. She sighed massaging her palm as she studied her handiwork. It lacked the magic Mamoru succeeded in freezing inside each of his photos.

Watching the snow fall, floating like cherry blossoms...dancing, she became nostalgic. Memory, identity, the past all seemed to drift among the snow and ice crystals. The weather reminded her of warm sake drunk on cold nights and mulled wine. She shook her head gently, she couldn't imagine herself in any life drinking alone on such twilit day.

She stood up stretching slowly, the circulation rushing back into her cramped limbs. Ami reached for her jacket, scarf and hat pausing a moment at the door as she heard a group of students laughing outside. The sound created an echo in her memory of a deeper laugh, more masculine and taunting. She stood blindly as she remembered small fragments --the breadth of a shoulder, an open collar revealing the hollow of a man's throat followed by a warm smile, a wryly turned grin. She sucked in a breath. _Who was that? _Memories haunted her for a moment. She reached inside her pocket half-expecting to pull out her communicator. Instead she looked down puzzled at her empty hand.

It had been so long since memories of the Silver Millennium had bubbled up in her mind. Initially after Usagi's revelation, they gained many in such a short time then they were only left with large empty patches. Spaces unaccounted for,  
spaces that would have contained family, interests, perhaps the minute daily observations of life and time, personality. The only memories they gained though were those pertaining solely to their duties towards the Princess. Ami sighed again, it seemed even in the past they did not exist beyond their roles as senshi.

She pulled her cap tightly over her mussed hair and strode out into the snow. The snow stung her eyes as she walked aimlessly through the deepening drifts. Destiny, fate, she seemed to grant only loneliness for each of the_m. Her thoughts whirled: we are all alone, floating with our only attachment to Usagi through duty, friendship, loyalty. We are stuck in this cycle without even the comfort or distraction of family. Only Usagi had a mother and father, even a brother in this life. The others, all of us, were without: Makoto losing her parents; Rei abandoned by her father with only her grandfather to care for her; Minako isolated by her early career...and I, a ghost mother and a father even more distant. _She closed her eyes listening to the soft sound of snow falling: there was a melody in it fainter than rain. I_ just want to know who I am, who I was, to find ...fulfillment._ She cupped her hands over the hollow ache in her chest. She wanted these lonely thoughts to be windblown away into the encroaching night. She opened her eyes, surprised to find herself in front of Mamoru's apartment. _Feet where have you taken me? _With a small shrug she rang the doorbell. She grabbed the door as the buzzer broke her reverie.

Mamoru rubbed his palms into his eyes. I'm tired of this. He started as the buzzer sounded for the door. He sighed audibly. Paul must have realized he forgot his toothbrush. He pushed his feet into his slippers leaning against the buzzer for the door. He pushed himself away from the wall and decided to give Paul at least a little bit of grief. Opening the door to the hallway, he almost closed it again. Ami was ascending the stairs, white toboggan haloing her blue hair,flurries of snow still clinging to her hair and jacket. Somehow he thought to smile even as guilt pounded his stomach over the stolen kiss. She smiled innocently in return unaware of the affect of her simple expression on Mamoru. He sighed softly under his breath as she walked past, a few cold snowflakes that had not melted stung his cheek. He rubbed his neck looking down at his wrinkled button down shirt, half untucked over his jeans.

"So what brings you here, Ami?" He desperately hoped he didn't sound as suspicious as he felt.

Ami turned around after hanging up her coat, letting silence settle around her before she turned to him with a gentle smile. "Just seeing how you are faring after finals." She looked him up and down doing a quick assessment before putting her hands on her hips, "Seems like I came just in time." Her head tilted, her smile askew as if hung up on a crooked joke.  
Before Mamoru could stutter out some lame excuse for his behavior and attire, she took off towards the kitchenette. "Do you have any cocoa, Mamoru,"she called over her shoulder.

He finally came to his senses he was being a terrible host to his friend, gawking like some thunderstruck teenager. "Ami...I can..."

She poked her head around the corner, "No, no I realize I'm no Makoto in the kitchen but I think I can manage a simple pot of cocoa."

Mamoru eased back into his battered arm-chair, plucking at the spare threads on the arm. He felt crippled by guilt. He ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair. He couldn't say anything to Ami or Usagi. Hell, he didn't know what he would say anyway; he could barely puzzle out his own swirl of emotions. All he knew is that it would be a long Christmas break if he completely avoided Ami altogether. He slumped deeper into the chair. _What have you done now, Chiba? Screwing up the future, your relationships with two of the sweetest women ever living?_ He straightened up as Ami came back in carrying two steaming mugs of cocoa.

"Be careful it's a bit hot still..." she delicately handed the cup to Mamoru, their fingers barely brushing. She studied her mug as she sat down, the slight touch of his fingers burned into her skin. She pulled away, almost hissing at the sharp sensation before sitting down quickly across from him. She brushed her hair away from her face carefully avoiding his eyes, composing her features before finally glancing up. _The intense feeling, he must have felt it as well. Perhaps not._ Ami turned her thoughts instead to the brief memory that had flickered in her mind earlier. Warm sake, a cup being raised to a smiling mouth, a deep laugh, the open collar. What could it mean? Why remember such a small event now?  
Mamoru tentatively ran his fingers around the rim of the cup, the stickiness of the chocolate on his fingertips.

Ami cleared her throat and looked up nervously at him. "Mamoru, what do you remember of the Silver Millenium?" she finally asked in a hushed tone.

He stared at her for a moment trying to puzzle out intentions and memories. "I remember Serenity..." He paused. What DID he remember - bare scraps of memories, a skeleton actually...he remembered the Shitennou barely, their loyalty, his feelings of confidence and brotherhood with them but no childhood memories to sustain such emotions. He remembered his meetings with Serenity, her innocence and beauty shimmering brighter than the moon. He knew enough of Serenity to see the differences and similarities between her and Usako. The senshi, he remembered brief moments of seeing them like phantoms clinging and haunting the presence of his princess. Just impressions of his late life, he shook his head then studied Ami.

"I remember Serenity. Her, the other senshi, our duties, feelings of loyalty and love. But I can't remember Mercury all that well, nor my parents." Ami sighed softly.

"Why are you thinking about this now Ami?" Mamoru leaned forward taking a slow sip of his cocoa.

"Just today I had some memories return, not much." Her hands fluttered out of her lap. He leaned back again in the armchair, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He held out his hand, empty and waited for her to continue. "I'm not sure what it means. Just something I think related to this first snow. I saw or rather tasted warmed sake." Ami could picture the delicate porcelain cup steaming in her hand, her blue eyes reflected on its clear surface. "Then I could hear laughter, a man laughing..."

"Laughing at you?" he interjected.

"No, no, nothing like that. It was a gentle laugh. Mercury obviously enjoyed the company because I feel friendship, nostalgia." Ami stopped she suddenly realized that the loneliness, constant and aching had vanished ever so slightly with the memory's return. "I'm not certain why I would have such a memory right now or even what its significance is...I just..I don't know." She shrugged in defeat. She felt so tired of this confusion, over duties, over the past and the future all muddling up the present. She, for once, wanted to forget she was a senshi, but these other lifetimes kept invading her present life. She was less than the snow, less than the ghost of snow feeding off of bare memories and glimpses of a far off future.


	6. In the Air of Him

О╩©Usual Disclaimers: I solemnly swear that I do not own, have never owned,  
will never own the intellectual and commercial property pertaining to Sailor Moon and co. This story's idea comes from me and my jumbled everday mass of thoughts (cloudwise and star-cluttered). If you like it, love it, hate it,  
find some grammatical error or have any suggestions I am more than welcome to receive email at & I've taken out some lyrics to fulfill requirements. I'm adding a url a I listened to these songs while writing and found them to fit the chapter perfectly. Of course with music, its the sum total of parts (lyrics, music, vocals etc) so don't just read the lyrics please go out and enjoy the artist as well. The title and song inspiration for this chapter comes from Б─°Hidden Place Б─² by Bjork from her album Vespertine. It originally headed up this chapter. 

Chapter 5

'In the Air of Him'

"She's perfect. Porcelain,..."

"And who is this that has won the heart of one so untouchable," a gruff voice interjected.

Small details came into focus: a sardonic grin, a feather of white hair, a strong, square jawline. A word slowly surfaced in his mind, Kunzite. Another face crossed his line of vision, coppery hair, a restless quick pace. He turned his earnest green eyes onto Mamoru.

"I don't know, Kunzite, she didn't seem real," Zoisite ran one hand through his hair facing his superior officer.

"In other words, your Majesty, he didn't even ask for her name," a smooth laugh echoed out of the corner. Nephrite...

"Gentlemen need I remind you of prior engagements," Kunzite laid a finger on his sword. He and Nephrite quickly left Mamoru alone with the bewitched Zoisite. Mamoru could feel Endymion's impatience, his desire to spar metal with his peers. But his friend laid a hand on his arm before he could leave.

"Endymion, please," Zoisite's voice was quiet with passion. Endymion and Mamoru's eyes met Zoisite's gaze. "I'm not insane. I saw her in the Northern Forests in the snow, without even a cloak. The snow falling," Zoisite lost himself in the memory."...she was an angel, I think or a winter spirit."

For a short moment, Mamoru felt as though he could feel Zoisite's pulse quickened in his own heart. Mamoru closed his eyes to that searching gaze.

He opened his eyes slowly once more, and stared at the ceiling cracks fanning out like veins across the empty space. He sat up brushing hair from his eyes. _Was that a dream?_ He touched his arm softly, he could still feel the warmth and strength of Zoisite's grip. Mamoru shook all of the stray thoughts from his head. He reached for the table beside his bed and drew a small velvet bag out of the top drawer. Mamoru carefully emptied the bag in his hand and held up the stones before his face.

"What are you trying to tell me?" he whispered softly. He was almost certain that the vivid dream had to have been a memory of the past. He pushed his feet into his slippers and lurched in the direction of the coffee pot. Everything felt vague with the first snowfall as if his thoughts and time itself had been muffled, suspended or hidden by the snow still falling outside. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully wondering at the sudden, short memory.

He took a small ginger sip of the coffee and reached for yesterday's mail. He reopened the letter from Setsuna. "Mamoru, forgive me for this informal address." Mamoru sighed softly at this point; _she always addresses me as if I were already crowned. _He skipped through the polite nothings and the trivial rehashings of the senshis' daily lives. "I have seen portents in the sky. They mean nothing but I wish you to be on your guard. The future is as mobile and dependable as the shifting of seasons and weather. I do not wish to alarm you just to offer that reminder." Her handwriting was faint as if time had already diminished the words by years..."portents in the sky..." Nephrite...he had known. Mamoru faltered for a moment. A memory returned. A few days before ever meeting Serenity, Endymion spoke with Nephrite on the castle turrets.

"Nephrite is something troubling you?" Endymion had approached his trusted adviser and friend.Nephrite's profile appeared dark under the moonless sky. His voice seemed distant and sad.

"Prince there are signs in the sky. I do not know what they mean. But something will change for both good and bad the future."

Endymion studied his friend for a long moment before turning away.

Mamoru looked once more at Setsuna's letter. The warning was not as strong but certainly as persistent. The future...


	7. Yukihada

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any other related characters.

Chapter 6

Yukihada

The branches shimmered silver and dark in between the swirls of snow. The trees seemed to move and dance between the sparkling snowflakes. A soft tinkling melody followed the drifts chiming like ice against ice-- a bright, mysterious chord. Mamoru smiled, the snow globe would be perfect for Ami. He could not place the melody, and the sticker telling the name had long since disappeared from the intricately carved silver base. He had spent the better part of the day buying presents for Christmas. This would be his last gift.

He left the warmth and glimmer of the shop for the cold twilight of the outside. Mamoru buried his chin into his scarf as the wind gathered again. He sighed softly and prepared himself for a blustery walk to his apartment. The wind gusted again, and he silently cursed himself for not calling a taxi earlier. When he pulled his face up he noticed he was near Ami's dormitory. _Perhaps..._A flurry of snowflakes clinging to his eyelashes made the decision for him.

He started up the long walk towards the front entrance and noticed something glimmering in the trees a short distance away. He stopped. Again the light shifted in the shadows and dense snowdrifts between the oaks. He walked silently through the snow stopping a small distance from the grove. His breath swirled slowly -- a white mist in front of his eyes. Then he saw her--face tilted up watching the snow swirl and dance through the branches. She smiled softly and raised her hands up the downy flakes lingering a moment in her palms before dancing away. _Ami..._Mamoru watched her thoughtfully. _"She's perfect, porcelain..."_

Ami looked up, a shifting shadow caught the corner of her eye. Somewhere along the edge of the trees she heard a crow rustle and rearrange its feathers before cawing and flying off. The moment was broken. She stirred herself and began walking back towards her dorm. On nights like this she felt more at ease, more comfortable with power and its pulsing grace underneath her skin. _I should write Michiru._ Michiru and Setsuna had become mentors of a sort for her as she explored the boundaries of her abilities as a senshi. Tonight had not been an exercise of power, more an echo of nostalgia for a time, a world, another self from whom she felt disjointed. The wind and snow comforted as nothing else could.

She reached into her pocket and looked up to see Mamoru waiting at her door. A smile blossomed across her face before she realized it was there. "Mamoru," she gently nodded her head at him. Then looking at him sideways with a smile she sent him her silent question.

"In the neighborhood... I was hoping that you had some form of tea or cocoa stashed somewhere in your dorm. Some form of warm mercy for a freezing acquaintance."

He grinned at her trying to hide the shadow of what he was thinking. _It was her. Does she even remember him?_ He was uncertain whether it was more merciful for her not to remember Zoisite, or if it was depriving her of some faint trace of love she deserved. He mulled over this as he made himself comfortable in the only arm chair in the compact room. He studied her face as she microwaved two mugs of water. He couldn't read anything across her still, pale features. Ami handed him some hot cocoa with her slight smile then curled her legs under her as she sat on the little area rug. She took a small sip then looked up at Mamoru.

The scene unraveled: she met his eyes and couldn't look away from what she saw there - a hint of desire, longing and loneliness. She felt herself drawn towards his darkening eyes. Inexplicably she leaned up and brushed his dark bangs away from his eyes. He caught her narrow wrist neatly. Then with a great deal of slow, bittersweet passion he kissed her rapid pulse then pulled her up to his face. Her throat hitched as she felt his warmer breath mingling with her own. Ami looked away overwhelmed, but Mamoru captured her chin with his free hand. She met his eyes again and found herself caught in his kiss. His lips unlocked hers, tasted the snow and rain on her cool skin. Ami leaned in further surrounded by the warm earth scent of him and the more subtle fragrance of deep forests. Her free hand splayed, a pale starfish against his heart. She was drowning slowly.

Mamoru shook himself awake. His lips felt numb and hot while his head kept spinning. He looked down at Ami. She stared at him intently and a little quizzically, her pale skin flushed pink. He remembered watching her in the snow. She looked so delicate like a skein of ice and snow on water, her movements so gentle and fragile. She had seemed breakable, and he wanted to take that away. Even now looking down at her chest rising slowly with her heartbeat throbbing in her neck, he wanted to pull more poignant sweetness out of her mouth.

"Mamoru?" her soft question broke his thoughts.

He couldn't meet her question, painfully he looked away from her trembling face.

"I don't know, Ami. I'm sorry." He stood suddenly and grabbed his jacket dropping off a small package at the doorway. He turned back just once memorizing her large, still eyes, hurt bruising beneath them before he ran out the door. The snow stung his eyes. He wiped gently at his face wondering at the wetness staining his fingers.

Ami stared out her window watching shadow and light dapple his figure in the snow. Her hand clutched her heart. The empty ache beneath her chest blossomed sharper as she watched him disappear. She turned slowly away her feet moving automatically towards the doorway. Confusion numbing her thoughts she picked up the small box he left behind. Unwrapping the box slowly, she picked up the snow globe with trembling fingers. The white, shimmering flakes swirled between the dark bare trees. Her fingers traced the wrought silver base and twisted the crank. She collapsed into the armchair, an echo of Mamoru's warmth clung to the fabric. The melody haunted the room as she reached down for the fallen card.

Ami- Wishing you joy and happiness. Merry Christmas! Mamoru

She clenched her hand around the card. Staring out at the falling snow, warm tears splashed against her one empty hand. I'm going to freeze in my own heart in this empty room. A little whisper joined the melody..."Why?"

If she mouths the rain, she'll  
swallow the syllables for grief, but it's too cold  
to go outside or drink the air.

Mary Moore "The Book of Snow"


	8. Inveigle

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon and associates. Their conception belongs to the talents of Naoko Takeuchi. This little story did begin in my brain so no tampering.

Chapter 7

Inveigle

Chiba Mamoru slept, and then he dreamt. Memories folded over him comforting at moments and then by turns becoming tense, dark, swollen with a strange, gentle sadness. The labyrinth lead him away from the familiar towards the buried. His footsteps no longer rang against stone and marble but were muffled by undergrowth and the sharp rustle of drying leaves. He found himself at the edge of a forest. A figure was turned from him facing into the wood.

"Endymion." the voice was low, lilting yet strangely sharp, clipped. A face turned towards him. Pale features flickering between dark locks of hair, assessed him coolly. Mamoru could feel recognition startled inside himself. _Ami!_ Instead he heard Endymion call out sternly.

"Who are you?" a sharp glance from the dark prince. "What business have you here?"

"The moon princess, I have come for her." The stance was rigid despite the curiosity playing across her delicate features.

"She is not here," Endymion's words softened around the thought of Serenity. He glanced up at the slight warrior.

"I know." Some of the reserve melted a moment, the pale senshi stepped closer as the wind whipped her cloak around her legs. "I have come on her behalf."

"Interesting." Endymion bit back a sarcastic laugh. "And does Princess Serenity know what you are doing?"

Mercury ignored his question staring up into his face. She was close now; her hand up-raised in an open gesture suggestive of a wave or slap. Her fingers rose to his hairline. Endymion bristled but Mamoru found himself fascinated as her fingertips hovered over his forehead. Her eyes catching the thin moonlight, she studied his face a moment. Her expression was guarded but he sensed benign interest hiding behind her still features. Ami stepped back, her shoulders tense, her legs locked.

"You bear an intriguing mark, Prince Endymion." A question arose to Endymion's lips _--what mark? What had she done?_ She cut him off before he could ask anything. "I have heard many rumors about you, your Highness, both for good and ill; and know a great deal more than any whispers heard in the Silver Kingdom," she paused. The wind pushed back her hood at that moment: the pale moonlight touched indigo lights into the shadows of her hair.

"No Terran or Lunarian ever had hair such color...Where are you from?" He asked a touch of awe overcoming his immediate sense of indignation.

A low, ungentle laugh escaped her lips. "I'm amazed how you can be both wise and ignorant."

"How dare..." anger choked Endymion's throat.

She studied him, a hint of sadness thawing her expression. "I do not do this for myself. All of my will, my thoughts, my life are for my princess. I can tell you these things because my whole being is for her physical and emotional protection. You are a threat to her and the Silver Kingdom. For her and your own sake you should forget anything you have felt for her."

Endymion grabbed her upper arm. She didn't resist or flinch against his violence, holding his gaze constantly. "I love her. I would protect her from all harm," he pulled her closer, his grip tightening on her arm as his words seethed out. "How can you even suggest that I am a 'threat' to her." His accusations ripped through the dark wind drumming into her ears.

Mercury looked away her eyes glittering in the shadows. "Such passion is harmful," her voice was low, intense, his ears strained to pick up each syllable. "You do not understand. Your every touch, word," she blushed. "kiss places her in greater danger" She shrugged his arm off. He stared not sure whether to trust her entreaty or his own heart. Mercury turned away from the confusion spreading over the Terran prince's face. "The more time she spends with you; the more difficult the choice becomes for her. Be assured, Prince Endymion, she will have to make a choice between her heart and her duty. The two cannot be reconciled." Before he could gather a reply, the senshi had faded back into the woods and shadow. He was left with one final impression of moonlight across her calm features and dark, wide eyes.

Mamoru awoke; anger, resentment, confusion resting around his heart. The dream residue lingered well into the afternoon, its vividness bending his thoughts to rest again and again on the shifting parts he could remember. _Such passion is harmful.. _He could feel Endymion's anger heating up again just thinking of her words. _Ami has always been so...cautious. Perhaps too cautious. But then again, I certainly haven't been a paragon of wisdom lately. _

"Mr. Chiba. ahem. Mr. Chiba." Mamoru was pulled out of his reverie to find himself face-to-face with his Pharamacology professor in an empty lecture hall. "Since you've managed to daydream through the last three hours of lecture, you don't think I would be imposing on your precious time if I asked you to deliver these slides to the Lab in 303."

Mamoru rubbed the back of his neck, "Of course not, Dr. Pratt. I'm sorry."

The professor waved away the apology. "Go on Mr. Chiba. I expect you to be a bit more mindful in my next lecture hall." Mamoru fiddled with the strap on his bag as he wandered down the third floor corridor. T_his has been a bad day...scratch that...month. _He turned into the opened lab slowing down as he noticed a flash of blue.

She'd been avoiding him. Which was both difficult and simple a feat. It was easy enough to avoid him on campus as she generally kept a close eye out for him. The difficulty came in that she actually wanted to be near him. That was the danger, the crux. She could have ignored the kiss perhaps, but she couldn't ignore the way she felt her responding to it and him. In that small moment, she wanted to drown in the warmth of his mouth and the clean scent of him. She wanted to think it was just any attention, any amount of tenderness that would have caused such a reaction out of her. Ami couldn't deny that she was lonely. But then she would find herself thinking of him in off-hand moments. A flash of black hair, a warm laugh even the smell of the warming earth and she could feel herself longing to be wrapped up in his presence again. April was driving her indoors, it was the only way she could avoid any thoughts of him. Ami sighed pushing a tangled strand of hair behind her ear. She reached for the slide box randomly drawing out another slide. She slid it into place before adjusting the lens. She had spent the better part of the afternoon going through slides made by a botanist just into the 1900's. Somehow it reassured her not only to glimpse life at its most basic level but also to realize how many others had studied the same exact slide as herself. She turned down the magnification to study the vein patterns in the leaf. She felt her heart drop for a moment. The green of the leaf, intensified by the light filled the lens. For some reason the shade made her bite her lip as an overwhelming wave of longing and loneliness filled her. Ami stood back from the lens, a strange, sharp grief settling in her stomach. She glanced over to see Mamoru standing in the doorway staring at her. His expression inscrutable as he turned to glance down at the slide box in his left hand.

"I came by to drop this off," he murmured. He had been captivated by the afternoon light haloing her bent head, by the way she scrunched her nose when she found something intriguing through the lens, and finally by the strange soft loneliness that now filled her eyes. Ami reached for the box, her fingertips brushing his own. She sighed quietly before walking away. "Wait, Ami." He called after her. She turned back to him. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to..." he stopped. His words faltered as noticed the tears.

"I understand. You never meant to kiss me." She wanted to curse the hot stupid tears she couldn't stop.

"No," he stepped closer. "That's not what I meant. I was going to say. I never meant to hurt you." She looked up at him one tear drop hanging from her chin. She looked fragile and chipped and open. "Ami, you are too dear to me. And to think that I could just carelessly..." he stopped. How could he even say what he meant, when his heart felt as though it was cracking apart.

She took a step closer to him. _I can feel all this loss within myself. I think I'm going to drown. One too many lifetimes of sadness and mistakes. _She touched one finger to the inside of his palm. She looked up and found him staring at her, his eyes dark with some unreadable emotion. She sighed before bringing one hand to rest on his chin. _What's one more?_ Ami pulled his mouth down to her own. Curling against his warmth as he tangled his hands in her hair, one poignant thought startled her mind. _He tastes like chocolate._


	9. An Interlude

An Interlude  
  
Razreesh  
  
Cut me like a fruit In the still of your room I will gladly be your slave Until you tell me to go away.  
  
(Cut me in half like a peach apple or pear Eat me for breakfast And spit out my little bones)  
  
I will grow through your floor in a shape of a tree And will be with you everyday. Until you cut me down Until you get bored someday.  
  
Sung by Mediaeval Baebes  
  
"Do you ever think about the future?"  
  
He nodded, "And the past."  
  
"And now?" She wondered aloud.  
  
"I'm only thinking of the present."  
  
Mamoru drew Ami under him. He studied the faint blue lines of veins. Small life tributaries intertwined under translucent skin; blue, green and violet-shades of the ocean. He was being drawn in: he opened her shirt another button and kissed where they met. He could feel her pulse leaping to greet his lips. He parted the shirt and pushed it off her shoulders. Her eyes were so wide and deep larger and darker.his thoughts were breaking apart in that gaze.  
  
****************************  
  
It begins with that one kiss, the tear-stained one that involves only lips and eyes and the faint brush of fingertips. When he breaks away surprised, his heart humming it only takes a moment for their hands to reach.  
  
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss  
  
Palm to palm, lifeline against lifeline they touch and begin the journey. This is the awkward part because indecision is a hairbreadth away. They can turn back but the steps don't falter until they reach the door. She pulls out the key, such a innocuous discrete key to such a little room. The little dormer, a cloister with everything drawing close to them this is the setting.  
  
***************************  
  
He enters touch by touch, layer by layer, cell by cell lit by that little fire that sparks from his skin. Starting at the top of her head to the delicate nail on her smallest toe, he covers her. And when he finally descends its not painful (perhaps if he had been first.) but poignant warm and bittersweet. This is the art of love not its twin lust. It is the little death she does not want to recover from. When he finally spills over and the room expands around them, she does not let go.  
  
****************************  
  
Ami ponders all of it later. She plucks it out from its hiding place and examines each moment. She wonders (of course) . She can feel his fingers running on the soft undersides of her arm. Each touch upon touch a tattoo burned into her senses. Passion-yes it is that-but born from what?  
  
Ami opens all the moments then and examines them slowly. The first moment of meeting in this lifetime-startled of course not only by his beauty but also the familiarity of it. Then the growth of friendship-the recognition of a similar intellect-- the jokes that only the two of them could appreciate. She could remember all of those little kindnesses he showered not only on her but also on strangers. His gentleness and valor becoming brighter in her mind to the point of blinding. His attention and warmth drew her out petal by sticky petal. And now this, this moment that cannot be taken back. Not that she wants to, but how can she walk next to him now and not think of the shadows of his fingerprints against her spine. 


	10. Evening Prayers

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.  
  
Write, for example, "The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance."  
  
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.  
  
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.  
  
Through the nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.  
  
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes.  
  
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have  
lost her.  
  
To hear the immense night, still more immense  
without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.  
  
What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me.  
  
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the  
distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.  
  
My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.  
  
The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same.  
  
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.  
  
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.  
  
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long.  
  
Because through nights like this one I held her in  
my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.  
  
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.  
  
Pablo Neruda Trans. By W.S. Merwin  
  
...The ticket comes... from the place of forgiving, where so much suffering washes things new. There, you forgive even lovers who've left you for others and you are washed clean and shiny as the new moon. There, you meet both the earnest and stupid fates. You're everywhere and nowhere, molecular as the air. It is hard to bear grudges when suffering has pared you down to a smile.  
  
Excerpt from The Book of Snow By Mary Moore  
  
Evening Prayers  
  
They were nowhere, caught in the in between place. At least that is what Ami wanted to imagine as they flew over the Pacific. Blue above and below accompanied by the quiet rustle of passengers stirring in their sleep. She certainly felt closer to dreams than reality. They spent the long flight almost touching. Elbows rested at millimeters from one another, forearms and the soft sides of their hands warming the other without actual contact. Perhaps it was the close quarters, the dimmed lights or soft shift of winds underneath, the plane began to feel more like the inside of a temple –a perfect time and place for a confession or an evening prayer. Ami studied his quiet profile, his still lips and turned back to look at the sky. The stars seemed close thrumming with pulses of light closer than the city lights ever allowed.  
  
She wanted to ask him so many things, to make demands on him. She wanted to say things like what did it mean to you, is it love, where do we go from here. Was it love? She turned the question over in her mind and knew the answer. He didn't have to say it. His touch every time he held her, his kisses the way he traced the fine bones of her face spoke true. As for the future she knew. She had held his heart in her own had reached beneath his solar plexus beneath layers of skin and tissue and knew what he would do. The moments he held her had been a now and a present and a sharp immediate minute. Looking at him now she could see it behind the shadows under his eyes—the future. It was rushing up to meet them even now in this place where time seemed to slow. See me...remember me...please remember. The words were bleeding behind her lips, a whisper, a prayer. But the words never touched her tongue just clutched the back of her throat.  
She already knew the answers at any rate. Each kiss had been the sweeter perhaps for being stolen from time. Ami had known each moment his hair whispered across her collarbone between her breasts that she was grasping more than him. She had been stealing handfuls of the future. It had not been much. And I would not give it back.  
He would return to Usagi. They would marry, have children and create that future. The future was still pristine, angular, crystal. There was that one little change though the one she would hide behind her heart. When lonely, it will flutter behind her heart as a reminder. Purple veined, velvet soft --to open her mouth now would shake the scales from its wings. She contemplated all this within studying the wavering blue of sea and sky.  
Ami finally turned again to Mamoru. She watched as a golden crescent of light arced across his lips. Tracing up to his temple resting there for a moment like some soft kiss before twisting out of reach. The passenger in front of them finally gave up on adjusting their reading light. It was enough. Mamoru finally stirred. He looked up through his bangs smiling softly. He laid one fingertip on the outside bone of her wrist.  
"I love you." His mouth traced the words. He kissed the tops of her fingers before Ami turned away. It all felt so close. The blue sky caving in and the sea pushing up to meet the moon, she felt trapped by his even darker blue eyes. His words had agitated that little flutter-bye. Pushing against her heart, her eyes into her mouth. She turned back to see him staring at her.  
"I love you too." She whispered it, her head bowed –soft as prayer.  
  
He pulled her head onto his wide shoulder. Her nose pressed against the warm corner where his neck and jaw met. She finally fell asleep with his hands at her nape tangled in her hair.  
Ami woke still half-dreaming. The turbulence of landing jostled her out of sleep. She could not remember what the dream had been about but touched her cheek to find tears. She looked up at Mamoru as they landed. He held her gaze turning away for a moment as the plane came to a standstill. He reached under his seat pulling out a small travel bag. When he reached for her hand, he placed something in her palm. Its solid weight startled her wrist to drop. Looking into his eyes, they were shining as if stars had drowned in them. They are a deep secret well reflecting cold midnight stars. His smile though held all the bitterness of an uncertain type of goodbye. He drew her hand into his twining fingers, crossing life, fate and love lines.  
They walked into the terminal, already out of step. Mamoru let go of her hand, opening his arms as Usagi threw herself headlong at him. Ami stepped aside smiling softly. It's all as it should be. She quickly found herself at the epicenter of her friends. The turbulence has ended. It was a welcome chaos as they drew her apart from Usagi and Mamoru. Makoto grabbed her luggage tags and headed towards the pickup. Mina deposited a cold can of tea into her free hand. Rei finally stepped forward with a wry smile and quick welcome. She looked back once to see Mamoru smiling at her without malice, without bitterness just warmth. Mina grinned at her, "I think we should give them some time to get reacquainted."  
Rei rolled her eyes but complied by steering Ami after Makoto. She reached down to tug Ami's hand gently. "Ami, what's this?"  
Ami finally remembered through the confusion the weight in her right hand. She looked down quizzically.  
"Is it some sort of stone? A memento?"  
It was the color of twilit sky and forget-me-nots. Ami ran a hand over the hard surface trying to pull the mystery out of its blue-blue surface. "I don't know. It looks like a piece of..." her words faltered for a moment. "Zoisite."  
  
"I left you for a fey green-eyed man but you were the solemn host, archival keeper of my lost future,"  
  
from Ghosts by Mary Moore  
  
Fin  
  
AN: Perhaps this ending is not long enough to suit some but I'm afraid if I stretched it out any more I would just be adding in extraneous garbage. I do appreciate everyone who has been patient enough to read and even somewhat like this story. I've been humbled by everyone's reviews and hope this somehow meets expectations. I'm afraid sometimes too, characters can be stubborn and do not want to bend they way that we want them to. I certainly struggled with whether or not they should stay together and even fight fate perhaps. This story however has always been bitter and fragrant. Mamoru was too dutiful for my taste I suppose and too kind. I realized a few months ago that he would give Ami the stone. It's a new beginning in some ways and perhaps a bit of hope. This was my first and most painful experience in fanfiction that has somehow survived some of my most trying years. It has survived my attempt at grad school, my engagement, my wedding, two jobs, my grandparents' deaths, the birth of my nephews and my own perennial procrastination attempts. Maybe its time for something a bit lighter : )! So thanks minna! Please leave all flames and comments below as both are appreciated.  
  
PS for music afficiandos: This chapter's soundtrack consisted almost primarily of The  
Rachel's and their excellent album systems/layers with some help from  
Azure Ray's LP Hold on Love 


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